I’m a Mom

I don’t feel like a mom, but I am one. I have a beautiful 4 month old daughter. I bore her. I am a mom. I was pregnant seemingly forever. I cried night after night for no reason, threw things due to incredible (pregnancy) rage, and I didn’t see my lady bits without a mirror for months. I am a mom.

I keep having to remind myself I am a MOTHER but it STILL isn’t sinking in. I am at the point, 4 months later, that I feel like “Oh hey, I am kinda a mom” even though of course, I AM a MOM. I think with reason. Cause and effect. No matter how I think of it or what I tell myself, I know I am a mother but I don’t feel like a mother. I am told this will come in due time, but I am still waiting.

Maybe it is because moms were always old. When I was a kid my mom and all my friends’ moms were old. Of course at the time they were probably barely 35, but that was ancient back then! I don’t feel ancient! I feel like I shouldn’t even be able to buy beer yet! For the record, I’ve been able to buy beer for 7 *gasp* years. Why is my sense of time so screwed up?

Maybe it is because I have zero maternal instinct. I would like to say I am great with all kids, but in truth, I am only great with anyone over the age of like 5. Babies scare the living crap out of me. They can’t tell you what is wrong, they watch you like you’re doing something wrong and they know it, and they cry (I swear) just for the fun of it. There is no rhyme or reason to it and that is what I just can’t handle.

I have mastered the art of diaper changes. I can now change a diaper with minimal mess and am averaging only 1 outfit change a day. I have also “mastered” the art of breastfeeding. And that is an art. I have kept my baby healthy and growing for 4 months now, all on my own. Even with this, I feel like a big sister or something, maybe a cousin? I can’t get over the fact that this baby belongs to ME. I don’t have to ask anyone else’s permission on what to do with her because she is all mine.

Maybe she is just so perfectly wonderful and my love for her is just so big, it is hard to believe I am actually a mom.

Whatever it is, I am hoping that some day I will feel like a mom and just not be a mom. All in all, nothing can change the fact that, well… I’m a mom.

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