I’m a Mom

I don’t feel like a mom, but I am one. I have a beautiful 4 month old daughter. I bore her. I am a mom. I was pregnant seemingly forever. I cried night after night for no reason, threw things due to incredible (pregnancy) rage, and I didn’t see my lady bits without a mirror for months. I am a mom.

I keep having to remind myself I am a MOTHER but it STILL isn’t sinking in. I am at the point, 4 months later, that I feel like “Oh hey, I am kinda a mom” even though of course, I AM a MOM. I think with reason. Cause and effect. No matter how I think of it or what I tell myself, I know I am a mother but I don’t feel like a mother. I am told this will come in due time, but I am still waiting.

Maybe it is because moms were always old. When I was a kid my mom and all my friends’ moms were old. Of course at the time they were probably barely 35, but that was ancient back then! I don’t feel ancient! I feel like I shouldn’t even be able to buy beer yet! For the record, I’ve been able to buy beer for 7 *gasp* years. Why is my sense of time so screwed up?

Maybe it is because I have zero maternal instinct. I would like to say I am great with all kids, but in truth, I am only great with anyone over the age of like 5. Babies scare the living crap out of me. They can’t tell you what is wrong, they watch you like you’re doing something wrong and they know it, and they cry (I swear) just for the fun of it. There is no rhyme or reason to it and that is what I just can’t handle.

I have mastered the art of diaper changes. I can now change a diaper with minimal mess and am averaging only 1 outfit change a day. I have also “mastered” the art of breastfeeding. And that is an art. I have kept my baby healthy and growing for 4 months now, all on my own. Even with this, I feel like a big sister or something, maybe a cousin? I can’t get over the fact that this baby belongs to ME. I don’t have to ask anyone else’s permission on what to do with her because she is all mine.

Maybe she is just so perfectly wonderful and my love for her is just so big, it is hard to believe I am actually a mom.

Whatever it is, I am hoping that some day I will feel like a mom and just not be a mom. All in all, nothing can change the fact that, well… I’m a mom.

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I’m Sorry or I’m Back

It has been months. MONTHS. My last post was in July, you know-before things got crazy. At work, they were working me like a mad woman and I can honestly say I am proud of myself for working up until I had the baby. It was a stroke of luck or a gift from God that I had the day off when I went into labor. Ask the nurses at the doctor’s office. They probably STILL don’t use the exam room my water broke in! Then of course, I had the baby. No one wants to write when you have a newborn and a bazillion things to do. I was even too busy and tired to procrastinate enough with my other junk to write on here. I really wish I had, too, because I had a LOT to say.

I would sit on the toilet to pee and go over an imaginary blog post that I wanted to get out. Then I would have to hurry off to feed or change my little bundle of joy. More on her later.

So over all, I apologize to the exact 6 people that probably follow me and the exact 0 that care that I have been missing for the past 6 months. I do like to feel like I am being polite, even if no one is at the receiving end of my heartfelt apology.

Wishing you a very Happy New Year,

C.