An Open Letter to Moms

ImageDear Mommy,

Congratulations! You are a mother! I am very happy for you. I, too, will soon be a mom! What a wonderful feeling! I was just wondering, though, because you’re a mom now, does it mean you have to try to scare the bajeezus out of everyone else who is yet to go through what you have gone through? Or perhaps you enjoy this? Some sort of right of passage as a mother?
See, I’m a bit confused. I can’t really tell if you’re intentions are good or you’re just trying to be an asshole.

I will admit, this is new to me. Just like marriage was new to me. When I was getting married you bet your ass I was getting all sorts of unsolicited advice from every Tom, Dick, and Harry (or Tina, Debbie, and Henrietta?) about my marriage and-more often than not-how it is going to completely fail. I would also like to publicly thank everyone who told me horror stories about how terrible marriage is and how the honeymoon phase is now over so I’d better invest in a good moo moo and some bonbons. I would also like you to know that my three year marriage is fantastic and we are still waiting for this “honeymoon phase” to come crashing down around us so we can start really hating each other.

Do think that I truly believe my newborn baby is going to sleep 12 hours a night and change itself? Or that my baby isn’t going to throw up… ever? I’m really not sure. I have heard so many times “Better get your sleep now… you’ll never sleep again!” Yes, I realize that. That is what happens when there is a baby to take care of. I am also a person who wakes up at any hour of the night to drive to a strangers house to perform CPR when their husband is having a heart attack or helping a little old lady off the toilet when they’ve fallen and can’t get up. It is ok. I will figure it out. We kind of knew this going into having a child, so it isn’t going to be a surprise-but thank you so much for the concern!

Yesterday, a friend came to visit and noticed I had bought a new bottle of cocoa butter. She laughed at me about stretchmarks. I really just would like some moisturizing lotion to help with my dry skin, but ok. I have no illusion that “stretch mark cream” or body lotion is going to prevent or cure any stretchmarks. You may tell me that no matter how skinny you get you will never wear a two piece again and that I will be in the same boat with you. I don’t think so. You know what? I might look like Tony the Tiger after this is said and done-but that’s ok. I’ll figure it out when the time comes.  Did you also know I have had severe stretchmarks on my butt, hips, and knees since a huge high school growth spurt and I went on to prance around in a bikini onstage WITH my wonderfully purple stripes? It will be ok.

How about my motorcycle? I should sell that thing, huh? I’ll never ride again now that I will have a baby. Hubby better sell his bike too, if we want to survive financially. Why keep them if they are just going to sit in a garage or a shed and never get any use? Quick question-do YOU want my bike? Am I supposed to sell it at a discount to you or something because I am never allowed back on it? I don’t understand. I have family locally, Hubby has family locally. There isn’t any reason why we can’t ask Mimi or Grammy play with Little One for a couple of hours while we go out for a ride once in a while. And if you’re worried about my finances (bless your heart!), they are paid off and insurance is dirt cheap, so please don’t worry. We’ll figure it out. It will be ok.

Lastly (for now), I would just like you to know that I do NOT, in fact, like to be pregnant. This isn’t “wonderful” and I don’t feel good. You may have had the world’s easiest happiest most feel good pregnancy known to man, but I’m not enjoying this. With this, I just want to remind you that everyone is different. While you enjoyed every second, I am counting down every second until he or she is here so I can hopefully get a little relief. While you might have thought your kid was going to be super-baby and never cry, I am expecting my kid to be a little terror. While you sit there all smug thinking “This lady has NO idea what she has gotten herself into”, please know I made a conscious choice to try to have a child and start a family and I have a pretty good idea that life is going to change. I am expecting it to change. It is terrifying, exciting, and non-negotiable. Shits gonna hit the fan and it is going to be both great and sucky at the same time.

With this being said, I would like to pose a serious question: How am I supposed to respond? I just nod, giving my most sympathetic face and say “Oh no” or “Oh yes” or “Oh my!” and pat my belly for good measure. There is no way to really respond to “You’re never going to sleep again”. Because what I’d like to say is “I will sleep. Whether I fall asleep in my cereal or actually get to squeeze a nap in when my sister is watching the baby, I will sleep at some point!” Because I’m not a fucking vampire and neither are you.

All I ask is that you stop treating me like I’m an idiot. I will completely admit that I haven’t experienced this yet and I have no idea what is really going to happen. But I would very much appreciate it if you’d stop treating me like I was born yesterday. Instead, ask how I am feeling. Give me good advice (keeping a roll of tums in my purse? Great idea!) and be positive. Of course there are going to be crappy things to watch out for and to dread, but your smug “You just wait!” attitude is exhausting.

Just an FYI though: I will figure it out. It will be ok.

A very exhausted and annoyed Mom-to-Be,


P.S. I know this whole getting advice thing is inevitable and is going to continue happening (for the rest of my life). I just wish I had a mute button, that is all.


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