Tell Us How You Really Feel or Dear Judges Part II

After re-reading my last post, I just decided it would be lovely to give final answers to all the strange, quirky, and occasional inappropriate questions I’ve been asked in the past. Here is a little Q&A for anyone who may be interested. Here are questions I’ve been asked and the answers I wish I could have given or would give now.

“If you could be any color what would it be and how would you describe it to a blind person?”

Original answer went something like this “I would be the color hot pink because I am very enthusiastic and ambitious. I would explain to a blind person that the color is very warm, bright, and fun”.

What I was actually thinking: “Has this person been blind their whole life? Have they seen color before? Because I remember hearing that people who become blind later in life can totally see color in their mind’s eye so if they have seen color, I really don’t think I need to explain that to them.”

OR “Black. Like my soul.”

“If you were given a million dollars right now and had 24 hours to spend it, what would you spend it on?”

Listen, $1,000,000 won’t buy shit nowadays. I’d invest in some money market accounts, buy a franchise, and make that money work for me. No, there is no way in hell I’d donate it all to “my favorite” charity. What good is money if it is gone rather than working for you? Later on down the road I’d totally donate to a 503(c) charity, you betcha!

“If you wrote your autobiography, what title would you give it?”

This Bitch is the Shit: Short stories on being Modest

“If you could be born again, would you prefer to be born as a man or a woman?”

A guy. I’ve had penis envy for years and would love to just be a dude for one day. I’d drink a ton of beer, get both arms tatted with some sick sleeves, shoot guns, parade around in my boxers with no shirt on, I’d smoke cigars, have giant bonfires, drive a rusted enormous truck, and grow the most amazing beard the world has ever seen-it would put ZZ Top to shame.

“If you could have lunch with any person living or dead, who would it be?”

My answer to this still remains the same: Freddie Mercury. He was the so completing interesting and I am in love with Queen, so it would be the most epic lunch ever.

“Do you have any regrets? If so what are they?”

Of course I do! Dan, Tim, Chris, Eric, Jonathan, Billy…

“If you were a fruit, what kind would you be?”

I would be a pineapple because they are my favorite. Simple as that. Not because they have any sort of health benefits or are unique or textured a certain way or grow a certain way. There is no insinuation here. I. Like. Pineapples.

On the same note:

“If you were a vegetable, what kind would you be?”

Veggies suck and are boring, so I wouldn’t be a vegetable.

“If you were to ever experience a disaster, what would it be and why?”

Well, we are all forced to hear about Kim and Kanye right now, so does that count? Also, I wouldn’t choose to experience a disaster. What kind of asinine question is this? If I had to choose something bad to happen, I would find myself a nice sturdy and 100% secure shelter and then choose a tornado, you idiot.

“If you were an ice cream cone, what flavor would you be?”

How is this at all revealing to someone’s inner self? Unless you get someone with a cutesy answer or someone willing to display their insanity “Something full of nuts because I’m a nut!” just doesn’t work for me. I suppose I would choose “Death by Chocolate” because that is the only thing that should happen to this question… it should die.

So there you have it. Clearly, some things are better left unsaid but it does feel a bit nicer letting your true feelings out.


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