What Is Said and What I Imagine: A Visual or DON’T CALL IT THAT!

Thank God for Facebook! How else would I see minute-by-minute plays of your new baby smiling for the first time (gas?) or the 9210823123182301823 adorable little outfits your daughter has tried on today?? In reality, I don’t mind being inundated with updates of the little ones-they are mostly cute (another blog for another day: apparently there IS such a thing as an ugly baby!!). I DO mind, however, how you refer to them. Why? Maybe it is my overactive imagination providing some serious imagery when you call your kid pet names. Here is a short list I have compiled of things friends of mine have referred, or more often, commonly refer to their children as. I have taken the liberty to provide images of exactly if not the closest thing that I see in my head when I read these…

1. Panda: This is actually my favorite as the visual it creates is really kind of cute. Panda bears are cuddly (looking) and cute and fluffy.

16-week-old giant panda cub, Hua Mei, at the San Diego Zoo.
Ron Garrison/Associated Press

2. Baby Bear: Also pretty cute. They are also fuzzy. Awww, Baby Bear. This, I can handle.

Baby polar bear makes her public debut at the Buffalo Zoo
Yes, you’re a cutie.

3. Bug: Ok, this one is borderline cute. I guess a little lady bug image isn’t so terrible. I think these image are what you mean to convey.

Joyful Ladybug Stock Photo - 14125885
Happy little lady bug

However, this is what I imagine.

4. Bean: A bean is a legume. A baby is not. This is maybe what you mean?

Uppies!

5. Nugget: Chicken nuggets anyone?? There is no way of making this cute in my mind’s eye. However, maybe this is what you might be going for? 1980s McNugget commercial cute??

I don’t see cute nuggets. I see non-animated, non-cute, actual nuggets.

6. Lizard: What the hell?? The Geico Gecko is pretty cute but that is not what comes to mind first. Please, please don’t call your kid a lizard. It is frightening and downright mean. This could also be partly baby who was referred to as a lizard was also fairly unattractive (see future posting of “Ugly Babies: They DO exist”).

Actually kind of terrifying.

7. Little Man: By far the most common thing to call your little boy according to my latest Facebook stalkings. Also, my absolute least favorite. The imagery that surfaces when I see or hear people calling kids this is just horrifying. No more LITTLE MAN. He is a boy. A little boy. Probably even a cute little boy. BUT NOT A LITTLE MAN. People take note: If you don’t have kids yet, please do everything in your power to refrain from this because it is DOWNRIGHT CREEPY.

Seriously, please stop.

You obviously have the right to refer to your kids however you’d like-they are your kids! I know when I have children, I will be totally guilty of the same type of thing (hopefully not so bad). My own mother called my sister and I Tuna and Rodent respectively (both could result in some horrible imagery). But please-My imagination’s fragile state at this point really just can’t handle any more Little Men.

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